Since I have strut my way into the life of a single human, it has come to my attention how wildly outrageous and challenging dating as a 20-something oddball in a regional area and global pandemic can be.
Creating connections is far more tech-based than ever before, which I am no stranger to as a Gen Y, however I have found COVID-19 has only heightened unrealistic expectations. The duality of hyper digital connectivity and physical distancing has made navigating dating somehow even more awkward.
Gone are the days of buying someone a beer at the pub, dancing to terrible remixes of 90s classics or sparking up chat at the bar; drink prices, social distancing and masks cancelled those out pretty swiftly, not to mention the intense social anxiety we now all breathe like oxygen through medical grade cloth.
In terms of the dating “game” today, it starts online. Dating apps are not new but I am sure their stats have skyrocketed over the past year, whether it has been to “get some” or just out of sheer boredom.
Tinder is renowned as the most popular hook-up app and relies on first impressions for connection. Users build a profile with images of themselves, provide a short biography then select the age range and gender identity of interest before allowing location permission and settling on the kilometre radius of potential partners.
Other optional profile features include adding passions, connecting other social media like Instagram or Spotify and more recently COVID-19 vaccination status.
Once you’re all set up, humans will appear before you and fate lies in your thumbs. Swipe left to reject, swipe right if you like what you see and let the chaos begin.
Before I rip into some of the questionable online dating app users I have stumbled across in my time, I must praise those who put themselves out there in such a way, it is bold and not easy in a society where physical standards are out of reach. I have had a pick ’n’ mix of experiences, fortunately mostly positive but it is definitely not all sunshine and safe sex.
As someone who is female presenting, the reality of meeting someone online can be jarring and potentially dangerous, so despite this being a smaller community it is still vital to be over cautious and prepare for the worst.
My pre-meet-up check-list includes notifying a friend or two as to where I am going and at what time, a fully charged phone, intention to not drink too much, a bail out option such as having someone willing to call with an “emergency” and either driving myself there or having an escort.
This list has served me very well in the past, having helped weasel my way out of some uncomfortable situations that went south after showing much promise because honestly, I will only meet up with someone I deem worthy of my presence.
I once met someone at Umpherston Sinkhole for a casual drink in the late afternoon and after around two hours of stimulating conversation he jumped right into a proposal to make things official.
“So do you think we can progress as boyfriend and girlfriend?” he asked politely as we sat one metre apart on the park bench, the scenic sinkhole surrounds anxiously awaiting my response.
My eyes widened as I caught my breath and spat out “um, absolutely not”.
“Why not?” he inquired.
“So many reasons, but most importantly, it has been about two hours, we do not even know each other,” I said taken aback by such audacity.
Okay, now I know I am wonderful but it should take someone longer than two hours to fall in love with me, I mean come on, dude.
It was at this point I believed the date was done for and I decided to leave, highlighting the fact I worked early in the morning and had better get some rest but alas, I was stopped in my tracks.
“No you cannot leave yet, I need you to stay, you have had too much to drink, you’ll lose your licence and we cannot have that, you cannot leave for another 45 minutes,” he said with false concern.
Having only consumed a singular beer over the two hour period, I rolled my eyes in response and protested his claims before popping off to the bathroom where I texted a friend asking to call with an excuse for me to leave.
My friend and I convincingly fabricated a divine intervention boosting the urgency of my departure and as I started towards my car I thought this was it.
Yeah, nah.
“You are such a good friend but I cannot let you leave yet, I do not want you to lose your licence,” he said pressing himself up against my driver side door.
This is where the discomfort really set in and all of the previous red flags started flying in my direct vision, my heart rate was rising and I felt unsafe.
“Okay dude, this is getting weird now, I need you to move, I have to leave,” I said confidently, attempting to withdraw any sense of fear.
“Oh sorry, I did not want to make you feel uncomfortable,” he said stepping aside. “I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending time with me tonight and I cannot wait to do it again.”
I strapped myself in, more than ready to bail but just as I started the engine he took one last opportunity to be an absolute bin-bag of a human.
Towering over me in my open door, he graciously informed me of his plans to return home and pleasure himself in celebration of this meeting. Not as eloquently put but you get it.
Online dating is like op-shopping or a garage sale, you do have to wade through a lot of trash to find any treasure, it is not just a flick book of perverts there are some actually approachable people nestled within the toxic masculinity and poisonous femme fatale but it truly is a game of chance.
Patience is key and often when you least expect it, something cool will happen, or not.
